Last week I had the real privilege of speaking at Nudgestock, Ogilvy’s festival of behavioural science, and I wanted to share with you some of what I talked about, because the theme of trust is one that touches every single one of us, whether we’re leading a team, pitching to a client, or simply trying to be believed at the kitchen table.
The idea at the heart of my talk was a simple one, and it’s something I’ve seen play out in boardrooms and on stages across seventeen countries: people don’t decide whether to trust you based on what you say; they decide based on whether what you say matches what they see. We are all, without realising it, constantly checking the words we hear against the behaviour we observe, and the moment those two fall out of step, something in us quietly pulls back. We rarely know why we feel uneasy, only that we do.
So here are the three signals of mismatch I shared, the ones that observers pick up on most readily, often without any conscious awareness at all.
1. The feet go where the mind wants to go
Most of us put a great deal of effort into managing our faces and our words, but very few of us ever think about our feet, which is exactly why they are so revealing. The feet tend to point towards where the mind and body genuinely want to be, so when someone tells you they’re fully engaged in the conversation while their feet are angled towards the door, or they turn their upper body to face you while their feet stay pointed elsewhere, you are seeing a gap between what they’re saying and where they would really rather be. It’s often the first thing I look at in a room, because it’s one of the last things people think to control.
2. Reaching for the neck
When we feel uncomfortable, anxious, or under pressure, we instinctively look for ways to soothe ourselves, and one of the places we reach for most often is the neck, which is one of the most vulnerable parts of the human body. You might see someone rub the back of their neck, touch the little dip at the base of their throat, adjust a collar or play with a necklace, and when that happens alongside words that sound calm and assured, the people watching sense that something isn’t quite as settled as it’s being presented. The words are saying “I’ve got this” while the hand is quietly protecting the most exposed part of the body.
3. The one-sided shoulder shrug
A full shrug, with both shoulders lifting together, is an honest and congruent signal of “I don’t know” or “I’m not sure”, and it sits comfortably alongside words that say the same thing. A one-sided shrug, where just one shoulder lifts slightly while the words sound confident and certain, creates a subtle but powerful sense of doubt in the listener, because the body is expressing a lack of conviction that the voice is trying to hide, and it’s the shoulder that people tend to believe.
I always want to be clear that none of these signals, on their own, mean someone is being dishonest. They mean there is a gap between what is being said and what is being felt, and that gap might come from nerves, from being uncomfortable with the message, or from saying something we’ve been told to say rather than something we believe. What matters is that the people watching feel the gap, and it costs us their trust either way.
So how do we become more trusted?
The answer isn’t to try to control every movement of your body, because that tends to make the mismatch worse rather than better, and people can sense an over-managed performance from a mile away. Instead, the work is in closing the gap at its source.
Before an important conversation, take a moment to ask yourself what you actually feel about the message you’re about to deliver, because if you don’t believe it, your shoulders will tell everyone before you’ve finished your first sentence. Where you have genuine reservations, it is almost always better to acknowledge them openly than to cover them with confident words, since honesty about uncertainty builds far more trust than certainty that doesn’t ring true.
When you want someone to know they have your full attention, turn all of yourself towards them, feet included, because being genuinely present in the conversation is something people feel long before they could ever explain why. And if you notice your hand drifting towards your neck, treat it as a helpful signal from your own body that something feels uncomfortable, and take a breath and a moment to address that feeling rather than pushing on through it.
Because emotions drive behaviour, trust follows alignment, and the most trusted people I’ve ever worked with aren’t the most polished performers, they’re the ones whose words and behaviour tell the same story.
Thank you to the whole Nudgestock team for having me, and to everyone who came to say hello afterwards. If you’d like to explore how this applies to your leadership team, your talent, or your next big presentation, simply send me a message and I’ll be delighted to talk.
Adrianne